Snoring

In the middle of the night, I wake up to Dom snoring directly in my ear. 

Me, shaking him gently: “Hey, roll over. You’re snoring really bad.”

DOM, definitely not awake: “That’s just how the body works!” 

He then rolls over, like I asked, and resumes snoring in the other direction. 

The sliding door

Whilst installing a sliding door in the guest bedroom:

DOM: “I’m hanging doors and f*ckin’ whores! And I’m fresh out of whores!”

Taking a walk

When taking our daily walk during Coronavirus hell, we encounter a problem. 

Me: Which way do you want to go?

DOM: Up the hill. We have an aquatic situation up ahead. 

Me: you mean a puddle?

DOM: AN AQUATIC SITUATION.