Catfish

Person on Catfish: As a little kid, I wasn’t very attractive. 

DOM: Well... you’re  not very attractive as an adult, either. 

Meijer Guacamole

DOM, at Meijer: Hey! I found your spicy guac! It’s SPOCK!

Nailed It - Princess Cake

DOM: That princess looks like The Nightmare Before Elm Street!

JAKE: Nightmare BEFORE Elm Street?

ME: You mean Nightmare before Christmas?

DOM: No, it was before Elm Street!

Whole Foods

DOM: DeCecco. That's French for "Dead Gecko."

Las Vegas - Round 1

DOM, upon being dumbfounded at his armpit sweat: I'm a PIT JUICE HERO!

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DOM, at noon: It's drunk and I'm noon already!

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DOM, drunk at noon, in the hotel room, speaking to a pad of paper: Ohhhhhh, paper! Let's see if I can say something on you!! "Hi, Jen. From, Dom." 

*drops pen*

OHHHH NOOOOO! I lost my voice talker!

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DOM: Let's go to the courthouse and get our marriage license. I wanna Nicholas Cage your ass.

ME: You mean marry me and get it annulled the next day?

DOM: No, I just wanna yell at you in there.

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DOM: Don't worry about dressing nice right now. We will do that later. Right now we are just fanny pack wearing terrorists. I mean... tourists.

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DOM, feeding me at the Luxor dinner buffet: Open up, I'm about to put the Chiudioni Express in your mouth.

DomEnic

DOM: I spell my name with an E. I'm an E-talian, not an I-talian.

Under Britches

DOM: Those new underwear I got at Marshall's are amazing. It's like 1000 angels are holding up my balls.

DOM (later on): I got more of those underwear at Marshall's. They aren't as good. Different brand. Only 500 angels.

Ice Cream at Shaffners

DOM (upon hearing a screaming child in the distance): Those are the channimals. Half child, half animal. Or... you could call them the cannibals.

Drinking Wine

DOM: I'm going to drink me some wine like A WHORE IN CHURCH!

ME: That's not the right metaphor, but ok.

Mother's Day

DOM (to waitress) : What's the Scottish?

ME: You mean Succotash??

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DOM: I've got a dead chicken and a pound of sugar in my stomach!

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DOM (while driving home): Don't make me laugh! I don't need you to die on Mother's Day because of my 4th grade education.

LIVE PD

ME: Are you sure LIVE PD is in Columbus?

DOM (yelling): YES THEY WERE IN FRANKLIN COUNTY EARLIER!

ME: Why are you yelling?

DOM: I'M NOT! I'M TALKING WHILE I'M EATING! MY VOICE HAS TO GET PAST THE FOOD!

My Dom

This is Dom. My husband. Also, one of the funniest people I know, and most of the time by accident. This is where I gather his one-liners, misheard lyrics, mispronounced words and more. I've been collecting for months. Here's just one of his little gems:


Upon hearing the song Africa by Toto AT LEAST 500 times in his life, he continues to belt out 'I GUESS IT RAINS DOWN IN AAAAAFRICA...." every. single. time.

More to come...