Huge Update - Dom Dump

 If we die, Jakes gonna kill us 

Hot Panda 2: Even Hotter

…the next night …

Sexy Panda 2: Even Sexier and DJ Swipes

A midget kicks a dwarf in the nuts! 

I don’t have the proper coordinates from penis to the pond. 

This is quick and weird. Things are being felt. 

Nobody in my family fucked an Italian to give me even 1% of Italian blood?! I got the name not the DNA

What are Bastard biscuits? The biscuits no one wants?

Orville Redenbacher, that old crotchety fuck!!

Watching Top Chef- misreads cactus makes perfect as cactus market

Cactus market - Jen CD’s alien memorabilia and pickle juice

Make t-shirts for merch store 

She’s as clueless as tits on a nun! 

As I was saying, before I rudely interrupted myself 

And in the famous words of my biological father: I’m out of here!

Why do the dwarves have to go to work anyway? Not like they have to pay a mortgage on their mushroom huts! 

Froggy and loggy- time to go to bed!

At local cantina: I’d like 2 BBQ beef brisket tacos 

Waitress: we are out of the brisket 

Dom: FUCK!! 🤬

You have to know shit before you can blow shit. 🎶

Dom ✂️Dom ✂️💈 tosses pumpkin seed behind the bed. I hear it hit the wall. I ask did you just throw a seed behind the bed? And he just says yep

How are these pubes dancing? They are zombie pubes!

My penis? I couldn’t even find it, let alone get it to work! 

——-

Jen: you don’t need to check your side of the bed just turn the fan on. 

Dom: check myself? Why do I have to check myself?

Jen: just get in the shower you deaf bastard.

Follow up:

Jen: instead of old dead bastard you’ll be old deaf bastard. I mean instead of old dirty bastard. 🤣

Dom: you need to write that down. 

Jen: I’m incapable of writing right now.

Dom: that’s why you have speak and spell. 

—-

Dom: was it a positive negative?

Me: you mean a false positive? 

—-

You don’t care about me, you just love me. That’s about as far as it goes. 

—-

Me: Shit! Jake’s home

Dom: Quick! Grab your drugs! 

———

Dom: we’re not gonna, we’re Ghana! 

——-

Dom: why don’t you get like this?

Me: because I’m paralyzed and you’re an epileptic 

—

Dom: Traumatic-i — the 15th apostle 

Me: who were the 13th and 14th?

—-

Dom: put a little white out on your cancer. That’ll fix it. 

—

Jen: It’s 9:11. Do you know where your twin towers are? 

—

Dom: you’re the wife to my better half! 

—

Silence is violence? No. Violence is violence. Silence is pussy footing around 

—

Dom quote:

“So, we are sitting here on Christmas Eve, ahead of the biggest holiday in the world. Do you think alien races have holidays? Like, is there Xaxon Day on the planet Gufufu?”

—-

After Jake unrolls a ton of TP at my moms house. I’ve seen less paper rolled at a snoop Dogg concert 

——

Me: I need to go to bed I’ve been up since 3:30

Dom: that’s some Kum by yah!

Me: that’s some cold hard facts!

Dom: oh, that’s just kum by. FUCK the yah!

___

Dom: the noodles aren’t EL dente, they’re WELL dente right now 

——

Quote/ your saltiness only seasons my sauce 

—

In Vegas : Dom - why is only the up escalator broken? Why not the down? … points at people coming down escalator: look at those lazy fucks! 

—-

Things that  Dom says stoned in Vegas:

Granny and her walker in the rain 

Blueger sounds like a redneck fat kid who hits dingers and plays baseball 

We may have transportation issues 

Yes, Bob from accounting been wanting to see that Cooter for years and I just got to see it for free “sting Ray”

Granola couple

— 

Me: why are you butt naked for no reason?

Dom: Because I’m done!

—-

Jake brought home these prostate Kit Kats !

Me: …/

I mean… imposter Kit Kats!

—-

Dom: Jen…. I shit on the floor. 

The Scale

 DOM: Hey, did you put batteries in the fat stander?

Me: You mean the scale?

Chicken

 S

Dom, trying to say “Duckfat chicken: “FUH-DAT-Chicken!”

The Fight

 

Me, to Dom, 10 minutes before Jake is supposed to be picked up: Are you leaving to get him?

Dom: Yes. (Plays on phone)

Me: Fine  I’ll just do it  

Dom: NO! I SAID I WOULD GO AND I WILL!

Me: You’re not even wearing PANTS!

DOM: PANTS ARE FOR THE WEAK!!

British Baker Trifle

 Judge on The Great British Baking Show: “Well... this certainly is jolly!”

Dom: SO IS SANTA’S FAT ASS!!

The Grocery Store

 Dom, about 30 minutes AFTER I have told him everything we need to get at the store today: “What do we need to get at the store today?”

Me: “I just told you the whole list, did you not listen the first time?”

Dom: “I doubt it, and I probably won’t listen the second time either.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣

This is my life, people.

The Pee Smell

 Me: Why does the toilet always smell like piss? Do you dribble or what? 

Dom: I can’t smell any pee! You can’t smell your own innards!

Snoring

In the middle of the night, I wake up to Dom snoring directly in my ear. 

Me, shaking him gently: “Hey, roll over. You’re snoring really bad.”

DOM, definitely not awake: “That’s just how the body works!” 

He then rolls over, like I asked, and resumes snoring in the other direction. 

The sliding door

Whilst installing a sliding door in the guest bedroom:

DOM: “I’m hanging doors and f*ckin’ whores! And I’m fresh out of whores!”

Taking a walk

When taking our daily walk during Coronavirus hell, we encounter a problem. 

Me: Which way do you want to go?

DOM: Up the hill. We have an aquatic situation up ahead. 

Me: you mean a puddle?

DOM: AN AQUATIC SITUATION. 

The Foot Machine

Upon getting a sweet new Vibe Pro machine for our achy post-run muscles, we were questioning which attachment is used for what body part. 

Me: this one says it’s for the neck and spine. 

DOM: Don’t push too hard, you’re gonna give me Spinal Bifia!

Me: You mean Spina Bifida?